


Your Attention Please

by OctarineSparks



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 22:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1280299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctarineSparks/pseuds/OctarineSparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A more rounded cabin address, should you ever find yourself flying with MJN.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Attention Please

Welcome to MJN Air. We hope you have an interesting flight. Enjoyment optional. 

Please do not, under any circumstances, manhandle any stray lemons you may see. They are IN PLAY. This much is sacrosanct. 

In the unlikely event of fire or smoke in the aircraft, panic is not only discouraged but positively frowned upon. Should you require reassurance, may I direct your attention to the Captain's forehead, where you will find it lovingly rendered in Chanel's 'Siren Pout Red'. 

You are not required to pay attention to any cabin addresses you may hear. Especially ones made in a questionable French accent. 

In the event of an emergency water landing, you life jackets are located beneath your seats. You will look like an amusing fruit should you wish to put them on, but you will at least be buoyant. Look to the wing to find the First Officer, who will be avoiding the hypothermia you will most certainly succumb to. 

NO OTTERS IN THE FLIGHT DECK. 

Any one caught exclaiming vociferously about the colour of any other passing aircraft will be forcibly removed from this one. No exceptions, no parachutes. 

Should you require an alternative to the pre-set meals, you will be directed to the steward, whose offer of Surprising Rice will quickly change your mind. 

Under no circumstances should any of the crew be referred to thusly: Marty, Dougie, or Ca. Arthur, however, will respond to most things. Even if you don't want him to. 

Should the moon hit your eye whilst we are in flight, do not be alarmed. It is merely amore. 

Talisker will be confiscated, disguised and promptly resold. 

Should you be both a pilot yourself and female, we would ask you to avoid the Captain. He will certainly be avoiding you. 

In the event of a bird strike, the Captain has CONTROL. Once again. CONTROL. THE CAPTAIN. HE HAS IT. 

Any botanical items, foodstuffs, or other items of miscellany should be returned to the First Officer, who has a sideline to run. 

And now a word from our sponsor. 

ICARUS REMOVALS. No job too small, some jobs too big, feel free to tip your driver. 

If someone says your name, it is required of you to respond with the word 'fizz'. Upon hearing 'fizz', promptly reply 'buzz', and should 'buzz' reach your ears, it is imperative that you say 'Av a banana!' Please use the correct inflection. This rule is without exception. 

If at any point you are concerned about the amount of Disney characters being bandied about, do not panic. It is simply code, and there is no threat to your life or well being. 

SCREAM IF YOU WANT TO GO FASTER. 

All hand luggage must be taken with you when you depart, except bombs, which you shouldn't have on you in the first place. 

We hope you listened to the airport. 

Thank you for flying MJN Air.


End file.
